A Big Scary Mountain

A bit like Raskolnikov, I have spent too much time in bed, too much time focusing on why I am sad and too little time focusing on how to change my current state.  Fortunately, unlike Raskolnikov this glumness is not an every day affair.  I was sad one day and in Amsterdam -- which by the way is a wonderful city with wonderful people -- the next.  I woke up after coming home from Amsterdam and again felt like Raskolnikov.  I struggled to find the motivation to get out of bed and feed myself and then I went to Berlin to wander around, looked at some cool shops and ate some food.  I was active, I was better.  I went to sleep that night knowing that I had a party the next day with a beautiful girl from my school.  I was good.  The party went well and the after-party was almost all I could ask for.   I went to sleep at the beautiful girls house and was good.  The next morning we had breakfast and she walked me to the train station -- I was okay.  That day, yesterday, I was down again.  Maybe it was because things hadn't gone perfectly with the girl.  Regardless, I spent the rest of the day watching english media or reading english news.  I went to sleep okay.   I woke up today, ate something and went on a run with my host mother Steffi.  I feel good again.  And I should feel good;  I am in one of the coolest parts of Germany -- and Europe for that matter -- with one of the coolest families and becoming friends with some of the coolest people.

Sometimes I wont feel good.  Maybe it is because of the downtime or the lack of companionship or maybe it is just because I forget this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience and that sadness is a part of it.  Whatever the reason is, I cannot let myself forget: without the lows one can never truly appreciate the highs.

In one of my many orientations for this program, we were introduced to the concept of 'the roller coaster.'  To summarize, we will have many ups and downs, good days and bad days.  Furthermore, one shouldn't worry about the downs, they should worry about finding their way back up again.  And this concept is not false, however I would like to propose another idea.  Instead of the many ups and downs of a roller coaster, perhaps we have only one long up and one too quick down.  We are like cyclists or skateboarders trying to get to a mountains peak; the way up is too long and too hard and the way down is too quick and unbelievably great.  We are always going up and we are always fighting to find strength, to find motivation, to fight the sadness that comes from being away from home, to fight the desire to give up.  We are always going to be a little bit sad until we reach the top.  Until we are no longer missing home because we have a new home.  Until we are no longer missing our friends and our partner because we have new friends and new partners.  Until we are coasting down the hill in perfect bliss, overcome with joy, we will have sadness.  Our muscles will be sore and we will be tired but when we find ourselves on the other side of the mountain, exhausted and exuberant we will be better for it.

P.S.  The quality of writing is not the best but I felt like I had to write something.  So  please message me if you have any stylistic critiques.

And as always please feel free to comment.  What to you think about my mountain model?  How does that compare to your exchange experiences?  If you haven't been on an exchange, how do you think this relates to other aspects of you life?